April 21

So today I wrote my last final of the year. I don't have any more school now until September. I get my tattoo in four days, on the 24th, and the situation between my brother and friend has intensified until, almost to my relief, said friend and I are no longer friends. We had a huge blow up on Friday and she finished the argument being all martyr like saying I can accept it or hate her it's my choice. I feel she's shown her true colors and that I seriously dodged a bullet. Obviously a relationship is more important to her then respecting another friends wishes. It's only a matter of time before she poisons everybody else against her. I'm surprised that I am in fact not sad at all, I'm not one to end friendships easily, but this was something I couldn't back down from.

I realize that when I return home life will be difficult for our friends, seeing as we were a group, but having talked to all of them, they're willing to make time where I do not have to see her. And my best friend, whom she believes to be her best friend as well, will undoubtedly spend most of her time with me, it's tradition. Very rarely do she and I spend time apart when there is an option otherwise. JC says she feels sorry for my brothers girlfriend to have someone like me mad at her. JC seems to believe I'm a frightening person when I'm angry, I know I have a temper, it comes with being Scottish, but I wouldn't ever hurt somebody I truly loved, unless it was that kind of argument. If this girlfriend pushes me too far then yes, I will hurt her, I did it during the blow up and I can do it again. Apparently I fight dirty, who doesn't when their heart and happiness is involved?

So I admit that this relentless disdain I hold for my previous acquaintance may be somewhat selfish in the aspect of our mutual friends, but I never give up, and on this point I refuse to back down. I know I have Sam's precedence, and that if it comes down to it, Sam will side with me and that is all I need. Sam is my rock in a swirling vortex of doom, had to use the cliche it was too cute, I only hope that for her sake it doesn't come down to picking a side. I understand her desire to stay friends, and can only support her in what I feel is a blind and unforgiving friendship. If the thing hurts Sam, heads will roll, much like during the reign of Henry Tudor.

April 7

It's been a while, life's been busy. I'm getting a tattoo, and I'm still angry at my brother and his girlfriend. I went to a concert with a good friend of mine and her grandparents. And I went out for supper with one of my closest friends.

I'm fairly excited to get this tattoo, it's getting done on the 24th, and it's to commemorate this very difficult year in university. I hadn't mentioned yet that I was a university student, well I am, as of right now I'm a History major, who knows what the world holds for me though?

There's a creepy guy living with me now, he watches me sleep, or he did the one time I forgot to close and lock my door whilst I was napping, *shudder*

Other then that not much is going on. I'll try and update sooner next time, with more info. I'm just not in the mood to write.

April 1

Ever wonder what would have happened if your parents had made different choices? My mom left my dad three times before she left him for good. Once after I was born, once when she was pregnant with my brother, and once before both of us. I wonder what life would have been like if she and I had just been together all these years. Maybe she would have found somebody else, I wouldn't have minded that, I was so young, maybe I'd have different siblings. Don't get me wrong, regardless of what he does, I love my brother. He's one of my best friends, even though as of late it seems all we do is fight. I spent so much of my childhood goofing off with, getting in trouble with, fighting with me brother, he's so much a part of me, I'd be devastated if I lost him. I just don't know what to do about my the relationship he's having with my friend, I assume that's why these thoughts have been plaguing me.

So, the guy I mentioned, the one moving in with us has moved in. My mother's very on edge, she says if he looks at me funny she'll skin him. This is rather amusing coming from her, seeing as she barely reaches 5' and she's quite possibly the sweetest woman I know. And I'm not just saying that because she's my mother either. But I'm touched nonetheless, and if my brother knew I'm sure heads would roll. *sigh* and he's just as creepy as I imagined. Thankfully I have a lock on my door.

Tomorrow, if I haven't been brutally murdered, I shall post again.

March 31

I find the anger I feel towards my friend and brother all consuming. In fact it swallows me, I am so angry I want to laugh, cry, and scream. I feel so betrayed, and that hurts. I am loyal to a fault to my friends, and most of them return said loyalty, so why can she? She had said in one of her blog entries that you don't date your friends brothers, but yet look what she's doing! I can't believe she would be so selfish, and I'm so hurt that my brother would do this to me.
Am I being obsessive? Am I jealous? I certainly don't think so. Some people might think I'm being both, but I think I'm being a perfectly reasonable female. I'm not the only one out there who thinks that friends dating siblings is ooky! And I won't be the last person to think it either.

It's just so awkward, and I can't talk to either of them without wondering what they've been up too. Which, needless to say, really sucks like you have no idea. And I'm so sad, because I don't want to loose either of them or the relationships I have with them. But I can't seem to get over the fact that they're together.

All she wants is to "fall in love" it doesn't matter who with as long as he's male, and he just likes girls in general, he's such a bloody man slut. I don't want either of them hurt, and this is such an awkward position, I'm so resentful.

On a side note, my cat, who had been sick recently, seems to be getting better, but I have to keep him locked up in my room quite a bit now, because my roommate and I are leaving and this creepy new guy is moving in while we're still here. It's so scary, I don't want a creepy, odd guy in our house. So my cat and I will have to coexist in a small room for a whole month, poor kitty.

March 30

What do you do when one of your closest friends starts dating your brother? It's one of the most awkward situations you can find yourself in. Yet, for me, they are both so important to me I don't want to say anything, but my resentment to them for putting me in this situation seems to only grow. I keep wishing something would change, they would find out that they don't actually like each other as much as they do. But maybe that's being selfish. I don't want to loose a friend, and as his sister, no matter the situation he'd expect me to side with him. I don't want this awkwardness to continue, but it seems it won't stop.

How do you measure pain? Can you justify sadness on another persons behalf. If an acquaintance, someone you graduated with and grew up with, lost a younger sibling, one you weren't particularly fond of, can you still justify the horrible feeling of distress you feel when you think of it. The gut wrenching sobs that threaten, can you justify those. Some people tell me I'm being a drama queen, but my sadness is epic. I can only imagine the pain she is going through.

Spero Meliora- Hope is everything

I think of my motto and try to live by it. I can only hope for the best and deal with things as they happen, regardless of whether I want to change them or not. Compared to so many my situations are rather pathetic. I feel so fake when I talk to my friend now, I want to scream at her and tell her to stop being so selfish, but again, it could just be me being selfish. I want to cry, but every time I try someone I love cheers me up. It would appear that my loved ones dislike it when I cry, this is a very touching development, but one I don't know what to do about. I need to cry, I need to suffer the tears that have threatened to spill since Monday.

Reading over this entry makes me feel like an emo, but I know I'm just dealing with too much right now, in a couple days the sky will be blue again.